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101 Funny Quotes

101 Funny, interesting and possibly inspiring quotes. Enjoy icon smile

1. Be so good they can’t ignore you. – Steve Martin

Steve Martin Quote Be so good they cant ignore you

2. Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

Quote Speak the truth even if your voice shakes

3. Quit your job. Buy a ticket. Get a tan. Fall in love. Never return.

Quote Quit your job buy a ticket get a tan fall in love never return

4. Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

Quote Do something today that your future self will thank you for

5. Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.

Funny Quote Karma is like a rubber band 560x225

6. I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. – Robert Downey, Jr.

7. It is not happy people who are thankful; It is thankful people who are happy.

Funny Quotes It is not happy people who are thankful it is thankful people who are happy 560x372

8. If you fall, I’ll be there. – The floor

Funny Quotes If you fall Ill be there

9. If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

Funny Quotes If there was a way to read a womans mind I am not sure I would want to

10. I don’t know karate but, I do know crazy and, I’m not afraid to use it.

Funny Quotes I dont know karate but I do know crazy and Im not afraid to use it

11.  I hate people that say “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say “He’s a d*ckhead”, but you’ll get used to it.”

Funny Quote Youll get used to it

12. You know you’ve been in trouble a lot when both you, and the cop know each other by first names.

Funny Quote You know youve been in trouble a lot when both you and the cop know eachothers names

13. You know something bad is about to happen when someone says, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

Funny Quote You know something bad is about to happen when someone says hold my beer and watch this

14. You don’t really know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them.

Funny Quote You dont really know someone until you get rediculously drunk with them

15. When someone says “expect the unexpected” slap them in the face and say “you didn’t expect that did you?”

Funny Quote You didnt expect that did you

16. “You are what you eat…” That’s strange. I don’t think I’ve eat any sexy beasts today…

Funny Quote You are what you eat Thats strange I dont think Ive eaten any sexy beasts today

17. Yes, I plan to forgive and forget. Forgive how stupid I was and forget you.

Funny Quote Yes I plan to forgive and forget

18.  Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

Funny Quote Who says nothing is impossible Ive been doing nothing for years

19. When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.

Funny Quote When they discover the center of the universe a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it

20. When someone says to me “great minds think alike” I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard.”

Funny Quote When someone says great minds think alike

21. When life knocks you down… calmly get back up, smile and very politely say, “you hit like a b*tch.”

Funny Quote When life knocks you down

22. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Funny Quote When life gives you lemons

23. When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

Funny Quote When a woman says what

24. We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.

Funny Quote We buy stuff we dont need with money we dont have to impress people we dont like

25. There’s plenty of fish in the sea… sadly, many of them look like this (pic)

Funny Quote Theres plenty of fish in the sea

26. I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.

Funny Quote There are a lot of things I should be

27. “I didn’t do it!” … “then why are you laughing?” … “because whoever did it is a freaking genius”

Funny Quote Then why are you laughing

28. The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

Funny Quote The speed in which a woman says nothing when asked whats wrong

29. The only thing worse than “the one who got away” is the one who won’t go away.

Funny Quote The one who wont go away

30. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

Funny Quote Thats common sense leaving your body

31. Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

Funny Quote Stuck in traffic on the way to the gym to ride stationary bikes

32.  Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

Funny Quote some people just need a high five in the face with a chair

33. Sharks aren’t so bad… If a stranger entered into my house wearing only a speedo, I would probably attack him too!

Funny Quote Sharks arent so bad 560x371

34. School is killing us. Textbooks are made from paper, paper is made from trees, we need trees for oxygen. Thus, school is killing us.

Funny Quote School is killing us

35. Save water! Shower with your girlfriend.

Funny Quote Save water

36. Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.

Funny Quote Sarcasm is a bodys natural defense against stupid

37. I am not single; I’m romantically challenged.

Funny Quote Romantically challenged

38.Problems are like washing machines, they twist us, spin us and knock us around, but in the end we come out cleaner, brighter and better than before.

Funny Quote Problems are like washing machines

39. Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Funny Quote People know the price of everything and the value of nothing Oscar Wilde

40. Nithing is really lost, until your Mom can’t find it icon smile

Funny Quote Nothing is really lost until your mom cant find it

41. No matter how funny you are, if I don’t like you, I won’t laugh.

Funny Quote No matter how funny you are if I dont like you I wont laugh

42. Never go to be angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.

Funny Quote Never go to bed angry

43. Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.

Funny Quote Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else

44. Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Funny Quote Never argue with stupid people 560x362

45. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.

Funny Quote My wallet is like an onion

46. My day starts backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

Funny Quote My day starts out backwards

47. Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win”

Funny Quote Monsters and ghosts are real and they live inside us

48. Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

Funny Quote Marriage is like a public toilet

49. In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And god granted it.

Funny Quote Make my enemies look ridiculous Voltaire

50. Liking your own Facebook status is like giving your self a high five in public.

Funny Quote Liking your own Facebook status is like giving yourself a high five in public 560x419

51. Go ahead. Judge me. Just remember to be perfect the rest of your life.

Funny Quote Just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life

52. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching.

Funny Quote Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching

53. I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.

Funny Quote Im not telling you its going to be easy Im telling you its going to be worth it

54. I’m not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat.

Funny Quote Im not hungry but Im bored Therefore I shall eat

55. If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.

Funny Quote If you tickle me Im not responsible for your injuries

56. If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

Funny Quote If you cant explain it simply Einstein

57. If someone calls you a crazy freak, just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite crazy freak!

Funny Quote If someone calls you a crazy freak just thank them

58. If people winked in real life as much as they do in text messages, this world would be a pretty creepy place.

Funny Quote If people winked in real life as much as they do in text messages this world would be a pretty creepy place

59. Be honest, if people could hear what you are thinking, you would be in a mental hospital.

Funny Quote If people could hear what you are thinking 560x302

60. If he can’t handle you in sweatpants he doesn’t deserve to see you in a wedding dress.

Funny Quote If he cant handle you in sweatpants he doesnt deserve to see you in a wedding dress 560x233

61. I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Funny Quote I wont be impressed with technology until I can download food

62. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

Funny Quote I wasnt planning of going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere

63. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; Then I’ll move in with them.

Funny Quote I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford

64. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

Funny Robin Williams Quote Only enough blood to run one at a time 560x357

65.  People say you cannot live without love… I think oxygen is more important.

Funny Quote I think oxegen is more important

66. I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.

Funny Quote I stay up late every night and realize its a bad idea every morning

67. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Funny Quote I should have been more specific

68. I hate it when I meow at cats and they don’t meow back. Unbelievably rude.

Funny Quote I hate it when I meow at cats and they are rude back

69. I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Funny Quote I enjoy one glass of wine each night

70. Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

Funny Quote Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead

71. Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Funny Quote Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world

72. I don’t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to “single.” I fight with my parents all the time but you don’t see me change my status to “orphan.”

Funny Quote Facebook relationship status

73. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Funny Quote Everything will be okay in the end

74. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible.

Funny Quote Everything I like is either illegal immoral fattening expensive or impossible 560x420

75. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

Funny Quote Everything happens for a reason

76. Evening news is where they beging with “Good evening”, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Funny Quote Evening news is where they begin with Good evening and then tell you why it isnt

77. Dear millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.

Funny Quote Dear millionaires

78. Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

Funny Quote Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places

79. Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it’s closed.

Funny Quote Claustrophobia and the liquor store

80. Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Funny Quote Childhood is like being drunk

81. Breakups aren’t always meant for makeups, sometimes, they’re meant for wakeups.

Funny Quote Breakups arent always meant for makeups

82.Being vague is almost as fun as doing this other thing.

Funny Quote Being vague is alsmost as fun as doing the other thing

83. Beer is the answer… but I can’t remember the question.

Funny Quote Beer is the answer but I cant remember the question

84. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Funny Quote Beer before liquor never been sicker Toothpaste before orange juice dead

85. Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.

Funny Quote Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are

86. An old cherokee told his grandson, “my son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. Once is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empanthy and truth.” The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man replied, “the one you feed.”

Funny Quote Battle between two wolves inside us all

87. If you’ve never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava you’ve never had a childhood.

Funny Quote Avoid the lava

88.  Aren’t all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get married, essentially what you’re saying is, “I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let’s put jewelry on each other and dance.”

Funny Quote Arent marriages kind of gay 560x420

89. Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Funny Quote Always laugh when you can it is cheap medicine

90. Always borrow money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!

Funny Quote Always borrow money from pessimists

91. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Funny Quote A fine is a tax for doing wrong a tax is a fine for doing well

92. If somebody ever asks you to do something, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

Funny Paris Hilton Quote If somebody ask you to do something do it really bad so you never have to do it again

93. If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.

Funny Johnny Depp Quote If you love two people at the same time

94. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

Funny John Wayne Quote Life is hard its harder if youre stupid

95. A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself.

Funny Jim Morrison Quote A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself

96. Liquid antiseptic for external wounds. Whiskey for internal wounds.

Funny Quote Wounds

97. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Funny Einstein Quote The difference between stupidity and genius

98. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that’s how I’m going to quit drinking. One at a time. – Doug Stanhope

Funny Doug Stanhope Quote Quit drinking one at a time

99. The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

Funny Bukowski Quote The problem with the world

100. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

Funny Bob Marley Quote Some people feel the rain others just get wet

101. Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think… in a deeper voice. – Bill Cosby

Funny Bill Cosby Quote Women dont want to hear what you think

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