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Funny Comebacks


How often does someone insult you and you just can’t think of a witty response? Here is a list of funny and witty comebacks to prepare yourself for those otherwise awkward situations.

  • I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
  • I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
  • I don’t have the time, or the crayons to explain it to you.
  • I’ve been called worse things by better people.
  • I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.
  • You aren’t acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be.
  • You have all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
  • I wish we could be better strangers.
  • Them: “You’re drunk!” … You: “And you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly”
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • I hope they name a disease after you.
  • That’s probably why you’re still working here.
  • Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
  • There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Nice perfume/cologne. Must you marinate in it?
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
  • I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
  • Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
  • Do you hear that? That’s the sound of nobody caring.
  • I could say nice things about you, but I’d rather tell the truth.
  • You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
  • You should do some soul searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
  • You know, you started at the bottom, and it’s just been downhill ever since.
  • Your face is such a mess, you really should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
  • Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
  • Wow! you’re really funny, but looks aren’t everything.
  • Look, I really don’t have time to educate you, so you’re gonna’ have to take that responsibility on yourself.
  • Hey man, it’s a free country. You have the right to be wrong.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • You’re validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • If I wanted to listen to constant droning I’d buy an air conditioner.
  • You should really write fortune cookies.
  • Your mother must be proud.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
  • Are your parents siblings?
  • Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
  • Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
  • How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

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