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1. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
2. So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says, “That’s the ugliest pig I ever saw!”. The lady says, “You stupid drunk. That’s not a pig, that’s a duck!”. And the drunk says, “I was talking to the duck.”
3. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
4. The people of Dubai don’t get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
5. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
6. Buddha walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor then hands him his hot dog and Buddha pays him with a twenty dollar bill. The vendor puts it in his register and moves on to the next customer. Buddha says, “hey, what about my change?” the vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
7. A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a “Bicardi and ……………………. cola” The bartender asks, whats with the huge pause? The polar bear says “These? Born with’em…”
8. I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
9. When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
10. I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who’d be really upset if she heard me say that.
11. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
12. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
13. What do you call a giant pile of cats? A meowntain.
14. I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
15. How do you make a guitarist play slower? Give him some sheet music.
16. If you say gullible really slowly, it sounds like “green gummy bears.”
17. “Knock Knock” … “Who’s there?” … “I eat mop” … “I eat mop who?”
18. A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?” Pirate says, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
19. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
20. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s some obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
21. Surburbia: where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
22. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
23. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
24. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
25. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
26. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
27. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? …Bison
28. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
29. Knock knock. Who’s there? Panther. Panther who? Panth or no panth, Im going thwimming!
30. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.
31. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.
32. What to Vegan Zombies eat? … Graaaiiinnns!
33. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
34. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
35. A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
36. Two men walked into a bar… The third man ducked.
37. what does the gingerbread man use to make his bed at night? Cookie sheets!
38. If break dancing were easy it’d be called your mom.
39. How do you get a drummer to leave your house? Pay for the pizza.
40. What kind of bee produces milk? Boo bees
41. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
42. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
43. What has 3 teeth an 100 legs? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
44. What’s softer than a sponge? (whisper) spooonge…
45. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything. Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
46. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted
47. A girl called me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
48. A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together, the chicken lights up a cigarette and says: “Well I guess that answers that question.”
49. When I found out my toaster oven wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked!
50. I called up the phone company, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again.”
51. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
52. A lion and a cheetah race in the desert. The cheetah wins. The lion says, “Ey! You a cheetah!” The cheetah says, “No way! You a lion!”
53. I cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
54. I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I called her up and asked “Did you get my drift?”
55. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy.
56. What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
57. I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I’ve had it right up to here with them.
58. What were you eating under there? Under where? Ha ha! you were eating underwear!
59. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
60. Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
61. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
62. What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An investigator.
63. What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About four drinks.
64. How do you communicate with a fish? You drop him a line.
65. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
66. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
67. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any.
68. My wife said she had had enough of me because i couldn’t get my directions left. So i just packed my bags and right.
69. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
70. Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.
71. I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks “Are you reading that?” I didnâ€™t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
72. What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts
73. How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to open the diet Pepsi, the 2nd to call daddy.
74. I haven’t slept for 10 days… because that would be too long
75. Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.
76. A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, “I’m just lookin’ around.”
77. I knew a guy who got his whole left side cut off. He’s all right now.
78. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
79. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
80. The meeting of clairvoyants was cancelled due to unforeseen events.
81. This vegan girl said she knows me, but I’ve never met herbivore.
82. The past, present, and future all walk into a bar at the same time.
It was tense.
83. I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
84. I found out I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
85. I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
86. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack?
87. I used to be arrogant, but now I’m perfect.
88. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”
89. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba na na naaaa.
90. What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam.
91. What does an Engineering major say major say? “How does it work?” What does a Science Major say? “Why does it work?” What does a marketing major say? “How can we sell it?” What does a liberal arts major say? “Would you like to try our new angus mushroom swiss burger today?”
92. A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame. (Read it in Sean Connery’s voice)
93. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh
94. Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
95. What did the shy pebble say? I wish I was a little boulder.
96. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
97. A dyslexic insomniac agnostic stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
98. Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? it’s making head lines.
99. Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?
100. Whats brown and sticky? A Stick
101. A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one.
102. I used to date a banker, but I lost interest.
103. What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
104. Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who sold his soul to Santa?
105. My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she was 70. It’s been 10 years and we have no idea where the heck she is.
106. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
107. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “You man the guns, ill drive.”
108. A skeleton walks into a bar and says “I’d like a shot of whiskey and a mop.”
109. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.
110. Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was out standing in his field.
111. Joker: “Hey, someone told me that you sound like an owl!” Other person: “Who?”
112. I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
113. What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!
114. Got kleptomania? Take something for it.
115. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
116. I forgot to pay my exorcist, so i ended up getting repossessed.
117. I wish my first words were quote, so right before I die I can say un quote.
118. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
119. And then God created Saturn… And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
120. I’ve had a great day. This wasn’t it, but I’ve had one before.
121. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
122. I’ve been seeing this girl for weeks, once she finds out she’s probably going to close the blinds.
123. How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
124. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
125. Velcro, what a rip off.
126. What is a fruit that can’t get married? Cantaloupe.
127. What kind of overalls does Mario wear? … denim, denim, denim.
128. I want to pass away peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother, not screaming hysterically like the passengers in her car.
129. What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead and I’ll hang around here!
130. How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.
131. Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a truck? He was playing On The Road Again.
132. A guitarist passed out on stage. He must have rocked himself to sleep.
133. I can tune a guitar but I can’t tuna fish.
134. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
135. What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios? “Neato!…doughnut seeds!”
136. Yo’ Mama’s so fat, she fell in love and broke it
137. What did one snowman say to the other? “Do you smell carrots?”
138. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
139. We know we should go our separate ways, but we decided we’re staying together for the sake of the cats
140. I used to have a girlfriend with a wooden leg….but I broke it off.
141. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours? Because the can said “concentrate” on it.
142. Yo mama’s so fat she needs one barstool for each butt cheek.
143. Why does Snoop like to grill? Fo’ sizzle.
144. Have you seen the latest movie about pirates? I heard it’s rated Arrrrr..
145. Did you hear about the shoelace race? It ended in a tie.
146. I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
147. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
148. I failed my driverâ€™s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I donâ€™t knowâ€¦ look around, listen to the radioâ€¦
149. Why did the pony eat a pack of cough drops? Because it was a little hoarse.
150. Why can’t a head be 12 inches wide? Because then it would be a foot!
151. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
152. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish
153. My wife says I never listen to her….or something like that.
154. My father says that it is unlucky to be superstitious.
155. What animal should you never play poker with? A cheetah.
156. What do you call a tiny psychic that escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
157. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
158. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. so now it’s just a waiting game…
159. I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
160. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sleep when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
161. How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.
162. “Do you think,” asked the poll taker, “that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?” “Hell no!” raged the taxpayer. “They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!”
163. What’s the most crooked thing in the world? A fart. It’s pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose.
164. What kind of bugs live on the moon? Luna ticks.
165. I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
166. Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit’s fur and said, “You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit.” Then the rabbit started feeling the snake and said, “And you are cold and slithery. You must be a lawyer.”
167. If you jogged backward would you gain weight?
168. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose!
169. The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball when you get caught stealing, you’re out.
170. God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences once and for all. Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, “Where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”
171. What do you get when a grand piano falls down a mine shaft? A Flat Minor
172. Where do sheep get their haircut? At the baa baa shop!
173. A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal ball. The client hit him. “Why did you do that” … “My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium.”
174. I re-named my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
175. Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
176. Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog’s the first one to the door, but it’s never for him?
177. He who courts and goes away, may court again another day; But he who weds and courts girls still, may go to court against his will.
178. What do you call 100 rabbits side by side jumping backwards? A receding hare line.
179. What did the football player get on his I.Q. test? Drool.
180. Why was Tigger’s head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
181. What do you get if you cross a supermarket cashier with a 100 bars of chocolate? A chubby checker.
182. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
183. How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker Face
184. How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
185. Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
186. A man goes to the vet about his dogâ€™s fleas. The vet says â€œIâ€™m sorry, Iâ€™ll have to put this dog downâ€. The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet saysâ€because he is far too heavy.â€
187. A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says â€œcan i sell you some double glazing.â€ To which the man replies â€œnoâ€ and kicks him down the street. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is the snail again. The snail then says â€œwhat did you do that for?â€
188. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
189. Where did the kittens go on a class trip? To the meow-seum.
190. Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
191. What kind of driver has no arms or legs? A screwdriver.
192. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
193. A string walks into a bar. The bartender yells, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here!” The string walks outside, ties himself into a loop, and walks back in.
The bartender says: “Hey! A’int you that string I just kicked out of here?” The string replies: “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
194. What’s the difference between fried chicken and pea soup? Anyone can fry chicken.
195. If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of…
196. Where do you learn to make banana splits? In sundae school.
197. Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasnâ€™t peeling well!
198. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
199. What’s up? Chicken butt. What’s new? Chicken poo.
200. A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, hey, we got a drink named after you. The grasshopper says, you have a drink named Steve?
201. What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
202. Two termites walk into a bar and ask, “Is the bar tender here?”
203. Some people say that i am condescending. That means that i talk down to people.
204. I’m told the best man’s speech is supposed to last as long as the groom makes love. Thanks and have a wonderful evening!
205. What kind of underwear to clouds wear? Thunderwear.
206. My dad tried to force feed me when I was a child. After about 20 minutes or so my mom would say “just use a spoon Jerry, you’re not a damn jedi!”
207. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
208. How do you know a red neck invented the toothbrush? Because anyone else would have called it a “teethbrush”.
209. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
210. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired.
211. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
212. Why did Bono fall off the stage? He was standing too close to The Edge!
213. Joker: What are you eating under there? Other person: Under where?
214. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
215. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram!
216. Why could Beethoven never find his teacher? Because he was Haydn!
217. Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.
218. I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, but taller.
219. Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.
220. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid? TenTickles.
221. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, please send me your mother.”
222. Why did the skeleton went to the movies by himself? Because he had no body to go with him.
223. Why is Cinderella bad in sports? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she runs away from the ball.
224. I ate one anchovy and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
225. What happens when you cross a joint with a 38D cup? You get a drug bust.
226. Don’t you find it interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone’
227. If Al Gore became a musician, his first album would be titled “Algorithms”.
228. Joker: “Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed recently?! What was her name… Reese something…” Other person: “Witherspoon?” Joker: “No, with a knife.”
229. What do you get with a fly, a pet, and a car? A flying cart pet
230. What did Cinderella say to the photographer? Some day my prints will come.
231. Why did the belt go to jail? It held up a pair of pants.
232. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
233. I was in the park the other day thinking “Why does a frisbee get bigger the closer to me it gets?”. And then it hit me!
234. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
235. 2 deers walk out of a bar, the first turns to the other and says “damn, I can’t believe we blew thirty bucks.”
236. How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it while someone else screws it.
237. What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? Get in the car.
238. My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?” She said, “Whatever means necessary.” “No it doesn’t,” I said.
239. Why do elephants have red balls? So they can hide in cherry trees.
240. What’s the most horrible sound in the jungle? Girraffes eating cherries.
241. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one!
242. How many A.D.D. kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
243. I lost my mood ring the other day, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
244. What do you call a crab that plays baseball? A pinch hitter.
245. Why couldn’t the woman buy a bakery shop? She couldn’t raise enough dough.
246. What’s the difference between a corpse and a musician? One composes and the other decomposes.
247. I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
248. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
249. What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do? Board.
250. Two goats are eating a movie. One turns to the other and says, “Eh, the book was better”.
251. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
252. Did you know eating fresh fruits can help you live to a ripe old age?
253. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
254. I Went to the doctor today and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.
255. A lady takes a walk in the country and she comes to a wide river, she looks over and sees another lady, she waves and shouts, excuse me how do I get to the other side? the other lady shouts back, You are on the other side.
256. Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
257. How does a dyslexic do bark? “Krab! Krab! Fur! Fur!”
258. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
259. Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
260. When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? When he’s red-handed.
261. Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp? The players dribble a lot.
262. What is the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.
263. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
264. A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.
265. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
266. Yo mama is so nasty that when I called her on the phone she gave me an ear infection.
267. Why canâ€™t elephants go on the beach? Because they canâ€™t keep there trunks up.
268. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
269. Hammocks are like traps for lazy people.
270. A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “It’ll be 5 bucks”. The duck says “Put it on my bill”.
271. Theres two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says “Wow, it’s hot in here!” The other looks at him and says “Oh my god, a talking muffin!”
272. Why didn’t the toaster go to work? He was feeling a bit crumby inside.
273. I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
274. “Hey, you’ve got some updog on your shoulder.” … “What’s updog”
275. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
276. What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? An envelope.
277. What’s 6.9? A good time interrupted by a period.
278. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
279. Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one loophole.
280. This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. Itâ€™s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.
281. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
282. Why are pirates so mean? I donâ€™t know, they just arrrrrrrr!
283. Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.
284. If youâ€™re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
285. Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A taxi driver.
286. Remember to always give 100% at work… 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
287. Why canâ€™t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
288. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
289. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
290. Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling â€œquackâ€.
291. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
292. Always remember youâ€™re unique, just like everyone else.
293. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
294. Yo mama is so fat when she took her pants to the dry cleaners they said â€œsorry we donâ€™t do curtainsâ€
295. what goes “zzub zzub zzub zzub”? A bee flying backwards.
296. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
297. A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. Bartender says, â€œHey Mitt! Whatâ€™ll ya’ have?â€
298. What is the worldâ€™s longest punctuation mark? The hundred yard dash.
299. What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker? Hop in.
300. Doctor: Youâ€™re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: Ok, you’re also ugly.
301. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
302. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
303. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
304. When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, “Will you still love me when I’m old and gray?” “Sure I do,” he mumbled.
305. What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
306. What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
307. Why don’t lawyers ever get eaten by sharks? Professional courtesy
308. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
309. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
310. What did the duck say when he finished shopping? Just put it on my bill.
311. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, idiot! breathe!
312. What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Lets get support before other people think we are nuts.
313. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.
314. If it werenâ€™t for Edison, weâ€™d be watching TV by candlelight.
315. Evening news is where they begin with â€˜Good eveningâ€™, and then proceed to tell you why it isnâ€™t.
316. What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells.
317. What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention? That’s remarkable!
318. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You’re all a bunch of idiots.”
319. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
320. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
321. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
322. A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells “WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I’M GONNA KILL ‘EM!”
A man calmly stands up and says, “You ain’t got enough bullets, mate.”
323. What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oinkment.
324. What do you get if you cross a banana with a zipper? A fruit fly.
325. Two guys were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself. One guy said “I wish I could do that.” the other guy said “you should probably just pet him first.”
326. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels.
327. What does a cat say when he likes something? It’s purrrfect.
328. A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them “You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go.” The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered “Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i’ll poo on it.”
329. The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only ever a whim away.
330. What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!
331. Would you like to go out with DaMan? Who’s DaMan? Zing!
332. There are 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don’t.
333. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? elephino!
334. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
335. Teacher: In this box, I have a 10 foot snake. Student: You can’t fool me, teacher… snakes don’t have feet.
336. Excuse me. Will you please call me a taxi? Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
337. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, itâ€™s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
338. Patient: Doctor, I get this pain in my eye every time I drink coffee. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
339. What’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Other person: I don’t know… You: So it was you!
340. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
341. What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails.
342. Yo mama’s so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund.
343. A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. The father mouse jumped and said, “Arf arf!” The cat ran away. “What was that, father?” asked the baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
344. What’s the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you’re gay
345. What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.
346. Why do they call helium, curium and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
347. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
348. Have you heard of agreeable Caesar? He came, he saw, he concurred.
Saw this on r/jokes some time ago.
349. How do locomotives hear? Through their engineers.
350. How much you wanna’ bet I can quit gambling?
351. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? Optimistic !
352. The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor’s house. He answers and it is his friend, another doctor, that tells him: “We need a fourth player for our card game”. So he gets up and puts on his coat. As he’s leaving, his wife asks: “Is it something serious?”, and he replies: “You can bet on it. There are three doctors in there already and they need my help”
353. A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.
354. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack “darn”, While a bad skydiver goes “darn” whack.
355. The Dalai Lama, while visiting Italy, wanders into a pizzeria. The guy making the pizza says “Buongiorno sir! What can I get you?” The Dalai Lama replies “I will try your pizza, please.” The pizza-man, excited to serve such a high-profile customer, replies “Let me make you a special pie. What kind of toppings do you like?”
The Dalai Lama replies “Make me one with everything.”
356. I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
357. Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw salad dressing!
358. My girlfriend broke up with me the other day because she said I’m addicted to pasta. At the moment I’m feeling cannelloni.
359. Knock knock.Who’s there? â€œDoorbell repair manâ€œ
360. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
361. And the Lord said unto John, “come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
362. What do you call an elephant that hasn’t showered in three weeks? A smellophant.
363. What do you call a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards in single file formation? A receding hare line.
364. What’s the most important of telling a joketiming.
365. What is the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli.
366. Whats red and invisible? No tomatoes.
367. What did the mommy dog say to the puppy dogs? Nothing, dog’s cant talk.
368. Yo mama is so fat when she wants her photo taken she has to use Google Earth.
369. A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man said he was the more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
370. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
371. Ya’ gotta’ feel sorry for all the convicts in New Hampshire, stampin’
out license plates that say “Live free or Die.”
372. Just went to the supermarket and bought a loaf of bread and a cucumber. After serving me the cashier said, â€œyour must be singleâ€. I said â€œYes I am, how could you tell?â€, he then said â€œbecause youâ€™re really uglyâ€.
373. Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
374. My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
375. They used to call it a jumpoline before your Momma got on it.
376. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
377. What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump kin!
378. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.
379. What do you do with a dead chemist… You Barium.
380. Let’s make like sheppards and get the flock out of here!
381. Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
382. Your Mama’s had the clap so many times her doctor treats her for applause.
383. Whatâ€™s the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight pints of beer.
384. “Waiter my cofee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
385. A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cablesâ€¦the bartender says, hey buddy, Iâ€™ll serve you as long as you donâ€™t start anything.
386. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
387. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
388. Why isn’t phonics spelled the way it sounds?
389. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
390. Born Free. . . .Taxed to Death
391. If a mute swears, does his mom make him wash his hands with soap?
392. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
393. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
394. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
395. Yo momma is so ugly, your dad takes her to work with him everyday so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
396. An egg, some bacon and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here”.
397. Why is the math book so stressed? It has a lot of problems!
398. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie into it.
399. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it’s be a chicken sedan.
401. How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? “Why don’t you just let us remove the entire socket. You don’t need it, and it’ll just give you trouble later.”
402. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
403. I never make mistakesâ€¦I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
404. My Mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
405. Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
406. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
407. My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn’t want to upset him.
408. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
409. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
410. Yo mama is so stupid she stared at a box of juice because it said concentrate.
411. What kind of cheese isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
412. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
413. Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calender? They both got 6 months!
414. A man walks into the doctor’s office with carrots in his nose and celery sticks in his ears. The doctor says “You haven’t been eating right.”
415. A guy goes into the library and asks the librarian if he can check out a book on suicide. She says “yes, but I am not giving you one.” he said “why not” she said “because I know you won’t bring it back.”
416. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
417. Why is it that when you blow in a dog’s face it gets mad at you? But when you take it in a car it sticks its head out the window.
418. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
419. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Iâ€™m thinking, okay, hereâ€™s a gal whoâ€™s capable of making a decision sheâ€™ll regret in the future.
420. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said â€œAlright, fatty.â€
421. A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
422. Iâ€™d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
423. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.
424. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
425. The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
426. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; Others, whenever they go.
427. The more I get to know people, the better I like animals.
428. A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
429. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
430. All my life I said I wanted to be someone… I can see now that I should have been more specific.
431. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
432. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling well
433. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
434. What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.
435. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock ever other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
436. In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. 97% responded that they did.
437. Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
438. For Sale: Parachute. Used once, Never opened, Slightly stained.
439. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
440. I fell sorry for people who don’t drink. When they get up in the morning that’s as good as they’re gonna feel all day.
441. Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year’s resolutions.
442. Old People + Technology = Funny
443. As I watched the dog chasing his tail for an hour, I thought “Dogs are easily amused.” Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail for an hour.
444. Still waiting for one of Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends to write a song called “Maybe You’re the Problem”
445. If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world.
446. I’ve owned 3 Golden Retrievers and not once has one of them brought me any gold.
447. FYI: That whole “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” thing doesn’t work so well with cats.
448. Have you seen the movie Constipated? No… That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.
449. Did you hear they’re making a sequel called Laxative? It’ll be a real blockbuster.
450. How do you steal a coat? You jacket
451. A magician was driving down the road, then he turned into a drive way.
452. Honesty is the best policy. Unless you want people to like you.
453. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
454. What do you get if you cross a Goldfish and a Chimp? A swim-panzee!
455. Teacher to a student: Please conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present. Student: Um… I walk. You walk …. The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please!
The student: I run. You run …
456. Draft beer, not people!
457. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
458. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
459. I would go the extra mile for you! …in the opposite direction.
460. Unicorns can’t fly. I can’t fly. Therefore I am a unicorn.
461. First you’re telling me to be myself, then you’re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up.
462. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
463. What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
464. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
465. The say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it’s costing me a fortune in houses.
466. I wonder how Police on bicycles arrest people… “Alright, get in the basket.”
467. I need to stop saying “How stupid can you be?”. Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
468. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
469. Isn’t it ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom. Until they’re flashing behind you.
470. How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.
471. Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
472. What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
473. A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
474. Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
475. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
476. After looking at my bank account, it’s time I make some tough decisions. Anyone want to buy some pokemon cards?
477. Shout out to all sidewalks; for keeping me off the streets.
478. The last 60 winners of the Miss Universe pageant have been from earth. I’m beginning to think it’s fixed.
479. What did astronauts say when they found bones on the moon? The cow didnt make it.
480. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating? Finding half a worm.
481. I used to tell short jokes, but they kept going over people’s heads.
482. A person who speaks two languages is bilingual. A person who speaks three languages is trilingual. A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?
483. Yo mama’s so fat, China uses her to block the internet.
484. A disaster is when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.
485. They need to invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you’ve pressed snooze 3 times
486. How do frogs kill themselves? They kermit suicide.
487. A true gentleman is one who knows how to play trombone, and doesn’t.
488. If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.
489. Welcome to the church of vegetables. Lettuce pray.
490. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? R? Ah, you think it’d be the R but it’s the C!
491. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
492. No, I don’t want to come to your cat’s birthday party…you freak……. My dog’s getting married that weekend.
493. Yo mama’s so fat, she wears a watch on both wrists…one for each time zone!
494. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool
495. Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
496. If having dogs has taught me anything, it’s how to eat cookies very quietly.
497. If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The Swallow.
498. I do charity work. I volunteer my opinion just about every day.
499. How heavy is a polar bear? Enough to break the ice…
500. My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.
501. Telling jokes about Pizza? It’s all in the delivery.
502. How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
503. How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won’t screw.
504. A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, they both get totally wated. The giraffe passes out, the man stands up to leave and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The man says, “Nah, it’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
505. Why do traffic lights turn red? Well, I’m pretty sure that you’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
506. What makes Flamingo float in water? Flambuoyancy
507. When people say “nice to meet you” I say “you’re welcome”
508. I’m thinking of selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.
509. Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
510. Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
511. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk!
512. Did you hear about the hippy who drowned at the beach the other day? The life guards were gonna save him but he was too far out man.
513. Police caught two kids the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
514. Did you hear the actress from legally blonde was stabbed? Reese something? ..Witherspoon? No, with a knife.
515. Donâ€™t tell me a tomato is “technically a fruit” unless youâ€™re willing to drink it in a milkshake.
516. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin, and throw it back
517. What did the shy pebble wish? That she was just a little boulder!
518. I just flew back from Burning Man, and boy are my arms spiders.
519. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they would just land in the boat.
520. Two men walk into a bar; which is pretty stupid because you’d think the second man would’ve seen it.
521. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
522. What did the “O” say to the “Q?” Dude! Put that thing away!
523. What’s the definition of 6.9? A good thing, ruined by a period.
524. Why did the knight flush the toilet? It was his duty.
525. True friends do not judge each other. They judge other people together.
526. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? Fill it with gas.
527. The biggest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
528. Yo mama’s so fat, she got Baptized at sea world.
529. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
530. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
531. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
532. What do you call a bear that’s been out in the rain? A drizzly bear.
533. What’s the difference between a Harley bike and a Hoover vacuum? The position of the dirt bag
534. What do you call an octopus going to war? Well armed.
535. What do you call someone with no body and no nose.
No body knows!
536. How many youtubers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Eight. One to screw in the light bulb and 7 to shout out “First!”
537. A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn’t stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: “Young man…you keep both hands on the wheel.I’ll tell you when it’s raining!” (This one took me a minute to get)
538. What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue
539. Why do criminals like basketball so much? Because it involves running, shooting, and stealing.
540. What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
541. Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
542. Gas prices aren’t really that bad when you remember that you’re essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid form.
543. Why did the can crusher hate his job? It was soda-pressing.
544. What do cows do for entertainment? They rent moovies !
545. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
546. How do you fix a broken chimp? With a monkeywrench.
547. Why wouldnâ€™t the bald man let anyone use his comb? He couldnâ€™t part with it.
548. What would happen if you ate yeast and polish? You would rise and shine.
549. What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? His smellular phone!
550. What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A slurpent.
551. Did you know atoms have mass?… Really? I didnâ€™t know they were Catholic.
552. What does an attorney wear to work? A law suit.
553. What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtleâ€™s back? Wheeeeee!
554. Do you like warts? No. Donâ€™t worry. Theyâ€™ll grow on you.
555. Why were screams coming from the kitchen? The cook was beating the eggs.
556. On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: “You take Christmas too seriously.”
557. It takes leather balls to play rugby.
558. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
559. Now that Iâ€™m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.
560. I have been winning egg hunts since before I was born.
561. They took away my mood ring, and I don’t know how to feel about that.
562. What do you call a parrot that flew away? A polygon!
563. What do you get when you cross a sheltie and a cantaloupe? A melon collie.
564. Where do books sleep? Under their covers.
565. I work as an accountant for NASA. The costs here are astronomical.
566. Keep smiling. It makes everyone wonder what youâ€™re up to.
567. Why didnâ€™t the grizzly wear any shoes? He wanted to go bear foot
568. What kind of pizza do pilots like? Plain.
569. Why do giraffes have long necks? Because they have smelly feet.
570. Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his jobwhen the company folded.
571. What part of the road is always crying? The breakdown lane.
572. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no bell prize!
573. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
574. Whatâ€™s an educated hole in the wall? A wisecrack.
575. Did you hear about the plumber who worked a top a skyscraper? He plunged to his death.
576. How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
577. Whatâ€™s the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
578. What weapon is most feared by knights? A can opener.
579. What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? Shore.
580. Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meatball.
581. There may be no “i” in “team,” but there are three of them in “narcissistic.”
582. What kind of snakes are good to have on a car when it’s raining? Windshield vipers
583. Ask me if I have a banana in my ear. Do you have a banana in your ear? I canâ€™t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
584. When does an Irish potato change nationality? When itâ€™s french fried.
585. Why did the little girl bury her flashlight? Her batteries were dead.
586. Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? Because he tried to get fresh.
587. Why did the farmer feed his cows money? He wanted rich milk.
588. Why did the farmer use a steam roller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
589. Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
590. Where do pigs park their cars? In porking lots.
591. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
592. Sometimes, when I don’t want my girlfriend to find something, I put it in her purse.
593. What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.
594. Whatâ€™s the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly canâ€™t mosquito.
595. Why canâ€™t you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
596. Men say women should come with instructions..but what’s the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?
597. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrheaâ€¦ does that mean that one enjoys it?
598. Man said to God: Why did you make women so beautiful? God said to man: So that you will love them. Man said to God: But why did you make them so dumb? God said to man: So that they will love you.
599. Silence isn’t always golden, sometimes it’s guilt!
600. The world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
601. Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed. Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.
602. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
603. My wife is a water sign. I’m an earth. Together we make mud.
604. Why didn’t the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn’t a chicken.
605. Did you hear about the cannibal that was late for dinner? His family gave him the cold shoulder.
606. what’s a ghostâ€™s favorite fruit? Booberries!
607. Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didnâ€™t? The dime had more cents.
608. Youâ€™ve heard about the moron pilot who once made a tricky landing, havenâ€™t you?It was the shortest runway heâ€™d ever seen. And the widest, too.
609. What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? I didnâ€™t do it on porpoise.
610. What do you call an 800 pound gorilla? Anything he wants to be called.
611. What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film to be developed? â€œSome day my prints will come.
612. Life is what passes you by while you’re busy making other plans.
613. Why do ducks have flat webbed? To stamp out fires.
614. Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
615. What do outlaws eat with their milk? Crookies.
616. You never really know how heavy something is until it has fallen on you.
617. Whatâ€™s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
618. What did Tennessee? Whatever Arkansas.
619. Whatâ€™s better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
620. What do modern artists eat for breakfast? Surreal.
621. What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college? Coagulations!
622. Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City? To see the Grumpire State Building
623. What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? Patty Oâ€™Furniture.
624. They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
625. What kind of house is easiest to pick up? A light house.
626. Why isnâ€™t Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive? Because everybody knows tyrannosaurus wrecks
627. What time would it be if five elephants were chasing you? Five after one.
628. What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumferenceby its diameter? Moon pi.
629. What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference byits diameter? Pi in the sky.
630. Why do most people have trouble obtaining blood transfusions in Taiwan? Because they only have Taipei.
631. What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building canâ€™t jump.
632. A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, thefaucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
633. What happens when two oxen bump into each other? You have an oxident.
634. Math and alcohol donâ€™t mix. Donâ€™t drink and derive.
635. Whatâ€™s the opposite of a somersault? A winter pepper.
636. What to you call Batman and Robin after theyâ€™ve been run over by a car? Flatman and Ribbon
637. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
638. If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
639. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.
640. Yo mama is so fat that when she stands on a scale it says 1 at a time please.
641. Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? No? Well, well,well.
642. What did one wall say to the other? Iâ€™ll meet you at the corner.
643. Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? Heâ€™s all right, now. In fact, heâ€™s fully recovered.
644. What kind of fence goes on strike? A picket fence.
645. Why don’t anteaters get sick? Because they’re full of anty-bodies.
646. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
647. When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.
648. A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, â€œIs this some kind of joke?
649. What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission? He Apollo-gized.
650. How do small people call each other? On microphones
651. What do you get when you take a gourd and divide its circumference byits diameter? Pumpkin pi.
652. Yo mama is so fat, when she stands on the scale to weigh herself her phone number comes up.
653. What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in!
654. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
655. Whatâ€™s the difference between a moose and an ant? A moose has antlers, but an ant doesnâ€™t have mooselers.
656. Did you hear the watermelon joke? Itâ€™s pitful.
657. What kind of fish has two knees? A tunee fish.
658. Two nuns are driving at night through Transilvania when a Vampire jumps onto the hood of their car. “Quick, show him your cross” the nun driving shouts. The nun in the passenger seat leans out her window and yells “Get off the damn car!”
659. What is at the end of everything? The letter G.
660. Whatâ€™s a manâ€™s idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand.
661. My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said â€œcome on, get in the car weâ€™re going to the petrol stationâ€.
662. Why did the baker rob the bank? He needed the dough.
663. Which runs faster, hot or cold water? Hot, because you can catch cold.
664. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
665. What’s the hardest key to turn? A don-key.
666. What state is most like a tiny cola? Minne-soda.
667. A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, “I’d like to talk to you about a loan.” “Great!” the ecstatic loan officer replied, “How much can you give us?”
668. Money can’t buy friendship, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
669. How many ‘pro-lifers’ does it take to fix a light bulb? 6 – Two to put it in, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment the other two began screwing.
670. What do postal workers do when theyâ€™re mad? They stamp their feet.
671. What’s white and goes up? A stupid snowflake.
672. Where do dates grow? On calendar trees.
673. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool Mom.
674. What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall? A ruler.
675. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
676. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill? It ran out of juice!
677. What do you call a pickle that draws? A dillustrator.
678. What did the apple say to the banana? Nothing. Apples don’t talk!
679. Why wouldn’t the bald man let anyone use his comb? He couldn’t part with it.
680. What is a dentist’s favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.
681. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
682. Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.
683. What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
684. How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.
685. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!
686. It takes years to become an overnight success.
687. What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and your whole damn life back.
688. A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
689. I rang up my local swimming pool the other day and asked, “Is this the local swimming pool?” “depends where you live”, he said.
690. A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.
691. Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke? Forget it, it’s too crummy
692. I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn’t the right type for the job.
693. How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
694. Never blow in a cat’s ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don’t let go for at
least a minute.
695. What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking, “Gee, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
696. What’s green and fuzzy and if it fell out of tree on you, would kill you? A pool table.
697. Why don’t lobsters share their lunch? Because they’re shellfish.
698. What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.
699. What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
700. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
701. How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 7 episodes.
702. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
703. My dog has no nose… Thatâ€™s terrible! How does he smell?… Awful.
704. Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar? He wanted to take a month off.
705. Whatâ€™s worse than finding half a worm in your apple? Getting hit by a truck.
706. Why was the broom late? Because it overswept.
707. What did the aliens say when they came to earth in search of soda pop? Take me to your liter!
708. What did the potato ask the cow? Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
709. What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
710. What do accountants use for birth control? Their personalities.
711. Why was the robot cold? He was missing his winter gear
712. How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but they have to be small enough to fit in it.
713. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a bad summer.
714. Why donâ€™t matches play baseball? One strike, and theyâ€™re out.
715. Whatâ€™s a three-season bed? A bed without a spring.
716. What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.
717. The American Dental Association recently awarded their â€œDentist of theYearâ€ award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.
718. Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
719. Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.
720. What do you call a crab that plays baseball? A pinch hitter.
721. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
722. What do you call a video of pedestrians? Footage.
723. What did one pig say to the other? Letâ€™s be pen pals!
724. What does a cat say when she likes something? Itâ€™s purrrfect.
725. What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A Dairy Heir.
726. Why did the apple cry? Its peelings were hurt.
727. What kind of limes open doors? Key limes.
728. A day without sunshine is like night.
729. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? Theyâ€™re trying to get away from the noise.
730. Why donâ€™t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
731. What kind of spy hangs out in department stores? A counter spy.
732. What kind of television do horses like? Saddle-lite TV
733. Why should you never run in front of a bus? You will get tired.
734. What do penguins use as napkins? flapkins.
735. When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees? In the Ark-hives.
736. What did the one nut say to the other? Would you like to go out on a date?
737. Whatâ€™s the richest kind of air? A millionaire.
738. Two atoms are talking: â€œHelp, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!â€ â€œAre you sure?â€ â€œYes, Iâ€™m positive!
739. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
740. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
741. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
742. Why are farmers cruel? They pull corn by the ears.
743. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.
744. How do you keep a moron in suspense?…
745. How do you fix a broken pizza? Use tomato paste.
746. Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
747. How do you know when the moon is going broke? When itâ€™s down to its last quarter.
748. How do you catch an elephant? You dig a hole fill it with ashes and when the elephant walks by kick him in the ash hole!
749. What do you call a running chicken? Poultry in motion.
750. What is lemonade? When you help an old lemon across the street.
751. What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream? Wet feet.
752. Why did the cat join the Red Cross? So it could become a first-aid kit.
753. When things go wrong, what can you always count on? Your fingers.
754. What part of the road is always crying? The breakdown lane.
755. Where do bees go on their day off? To the wax museum.
756. Where can you buy a 3 headed flying purple camel with 74 noses? Ebay.
757. Why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night? Theyâ€™re exhausted.
758. Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach? Yes. Itâ€™s better to swim in water.
759. What do you get when you take a native Alaskan and divide itscircumference by its diameter? Eskimo pi.
760. Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas canâ€™t walk.
761. Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? It was a violet crime.
762. What do a telephone and a dog have in common? They both have collar ID.
763. A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasnâ€™t eating right.
764. What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself.
765. How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? Juan.
766. Did you hear about the kidnapping down the street? His mother wouldnâ€™t let him sleep all day.
767. What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill? â€œHere come the elephants up over the hill!
768. Who burped at the big bad wolf? Little Rude Riding Hood! Derp.
769. Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave? He had the flew.
770. A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him â€œWhatâ€™s wrong?â€ Byte says â€œParity error.â€ Bartender nods and says â€œYeah, I thought you looked a bit off.
771. What do sick birds need? Tweetment!
772. Why didnâ€™t Count Dracula get married? He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.
773. Did you hear about the fly that flew through a screen door? He strained himself.
774. Whats red and goes wiggle waggle? A red wiggle waggle
775. Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic? He lay awake at night wondering if thereâ€™s a Dog.
776. What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? Iâ€™m at my wickâ€™s end.
777. What did one mountain say to the other? Meet you in the valley!
778. How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
779. A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, â€œHey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didnâ€™t even pay for your sandwich!â€â€œHey, man, Iâ€™m a PANDA!â€ the panda shouts back. â€œLook it up!â€The manager opens his dictionary and reads: â€œPanda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
780. Why couldnâ€™t Batman go fishing? Because Robin ate the worms.
781. Why did the girl spray her clock with bug spray? It was full of ticks.
782. Whatâ€™s green, and sings? Elvis Parsley
783. To err is human; to moo bovine.
784. Whatâ€™s a knifeâ€™s favorite dessert? Slice cream.
785. Where does Santa stash his money? In a snowbank.
786. Why are cows always broke? The farmers milk them dry.
787. Where do Sith Lords shop? At Darth Mall.
788. Where did the kittens go on a class trip? To the meow-seum.
789. What do you call a cracked window? A pane in the glass.
790. Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because theyâ€™re ugly and they smell bad.
791. Why did the bear run around his bed? He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
792. What goes up but doesnâ€™t come down? A kangaroo stuck in a tree.
793. Doctor: I have bad news for you. You only have 10 left to live. Patient: Ten what? Doctor: Nine. Eightâ€¦
794. Did you hear about the guy that threw away a duck? He got down in the dumps.
795. What do kids like to eat in the playground? Recess Pieces.
796. How do you catch an orange elephant? I donâ€™t know. Iâ€™ve never seen an orange elephant.
797. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
798. Why is a room full of married people empty? There isnâ€™t a single person in it.
799. Why was the firewood punished? It was knotty.
800. How do you make soup gold? You put in 24 carrots.
801. Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums? Because people are dying to get in.
802. Whatâ€™s the difference between a duck? It bangs its head together when it walks.
803. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
804. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
805. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
806. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
807. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
808. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
809. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
810. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
811. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
812. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
813. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
814. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
815. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
816. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
817. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
818. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
819. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
820. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
821. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
822. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
823. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
824. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
825. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
826. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
827. Crowded elevators smell different to short people.
828. Why did the bank robber go to the chiropractor? Because he had a crook in his neck.
829. Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator? He didnâ€™t want to see the salad dressing.
830. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
831. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
832. If you give a man a fish he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime. Dude, seriously? A lifetime of nothing but fish? Teach this man how to drive so he can get to a buffet.
833. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
834. Yo mama has so many teeth missing, that it looks like her tongue is in jail.
835. Why are you staring at that orange drink bottle? Because it says on the label, “Concentrate!”
836. When did the alphabet contain only 3 vowels? Before U and I were born.
837. Which is fastest – hot or cold? Hot. You can catch cold!
838. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
839. Yo mama is like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow.
840. How can you spell candy with 2 letters? C and Y.
841. Why should you be careful about telling secrets in a vegetable garden? Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beans talk.
842. Why didn’t the woman get any sleep? Because she plugged her electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed.
843. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are in talks right now about a merger. They are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
844. Did you hear about the hold-up in the yard? Two clothes pegs held up a pair of pants.
845. When in doubt, mumble.
846. If a single teacher can’t teach us all the subjects then how can you expect a single student to learn all subjects?
847. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
848. What did the elephant say to the naked man? Cute, but can you eat peanuts with it?
849. A drunk was hauled into court. “Mister,” the judge began, “you’ve
been brought here for drinking.” “Great!” the drunk exclaimed. “When do
we get started?”
850. A man sits next to another on a plane, and introduces
himself, “My name is Bond, James Bond.” The other replies,
“My name is Damme, Van Damme,
Claude Van Damme,Jean Claude Van Damme.”
851. What holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
852. Why shouldnâ€™t you bowl against a snake? Because snakes make lots of strikes.
853. What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine? Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
854. Why can’t men get mad cow disease? Because they’re pigs.
855. How do you make a pool table giggle? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
856. A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!”, the mom answered, “I know – April Fools!”
857. Why do bald men have holes in there pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
858. “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” To which she replied “Probably that I married you for your money.”
859. What kind of tree grows in your hand? A palm tree.
860. Your mom’s so fat she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
861. What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? Luters.
862. Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
863. What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A pork chop
864. Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass afterdrinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made ofhimself.
865. What do bees chew? Bumble gum.
866. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.
867. Why couldnâ€™t the shoes go out and play? They were all tied up.
868. Yo mama is so lazy that she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote!
870. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
871. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
872. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
873. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
874. You’re drunk when… You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
875. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
876. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
877. What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
878. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
879. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes
880. What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy? We have to stop meating like this.
881. What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
882. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
883. What do you call a man on the beach if he has no arms and no legs? Sandy
884. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
885. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
886. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards without hitting a tree.
887. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
888. Yo momma’s so fat, when she dances the band skips.
889. Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25
890. Whatâ€™s the abominable snowmanâ€™s favourite food? Spag-yeti.
891. Have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich? Nope… Yea, Neither have I.
892. What kind of math class did the acorn take when it grew up? Gee-Iâ€™m-a-tree!
893. Who is always your friend at school? Your princi-pal
894. How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed? Depressed.
895. Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on the mouse.
896. Why was the professor cross-eyed? Because he couldnâ€™t control his pupils!
897. How do you make any watch a stopwatch? Donâ€™t wind it.
898. What is a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.
899. A club sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, â€œIâ€™m sorry, we donâ€™tserve food here.
900. Did you know that diarhea is genetic? It runs in your genes.
901. A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.
902. A guy walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot. He sees one in a cage and yells to the bird, “Hey, can you speak stupid?” And the bird replies, “Yes, can you fly Dummy?”
903. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor
904. A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
905. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
906. I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s just not true” I replied. By text, from across the road.
907. I once put root beer in a square jar , now I only have beer.
908. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
909. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
910. I put out an ad on craigslist for actors for the play I was doing. I needed 6 people to be clouds. 10 showed up and it was overcast.
911. An atom runs into the police station and says “Someone’s stolen my electron!” The cop asks “Are you sure?” and the atom says “Yes, I’m positive!”
912. A photon checks into a hotel. The attendant asks if he has any bags to take to the room. “No thanks,” said the photon. “I’m traveling light.”
913. I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.
914. Why did the blonde crash the helicopter? She was cold, so she turned off the big fan.
915. What did one orange say to the other? I don’t know, I don’t speak Mandarin.
916. How many ears does Captain Picard have? 3. A left ear. A right ear and a final front-ear.
917. What do you call a rat that crosses the road, jumps into a mud pit and then crosses the road again?
A dirty double-crossing rat.
918. “Wanna hear two short jokes and one long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooke.”
919. Why couldn’t the bike stand? Because it was two tired.
920. Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?”
921. A termite walks into a pub and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
922. How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.
923. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She threw away all the w’s.
924. You know, I always wanted to make mirrors when I was older. It was a job I could’ve really seen myself in.
925. Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women? Too bitter.
926. How do you catch a polar bear? Well, first you cut a hole in the ice. Then, you put a bunch of peas around it. And when the bear goes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
927. I used to be addicted to soap but now I’m clean.
928. How many elephants can you fit in a Volvo? Four. Two in the front, two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your house? There’s a footprint in the peanut butter. How do you know if two elephants have been in your house?. There are two footprints in the peanut butter. How do you know if three elephants have been in your house?. There are three footprints in the peanut butter. How do you know if four elephants have been in your house?. There’s a Volvo parked outside.
929. What did one eye say to the other? There is something in between us that smells.
930. Mahatma Ghandi had badly calloused feet,frail health and bad breath.
In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
931. A lion and a cheetah are in a race. They cheetah wins and the lion is like “you cheeta!” and the cheetah is like “you lyin!”
932. I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
933. A waiter comes up to the guy at his table and says, “And how did you find your steak, sir?” the guy responds and says, “I just moved my potato and there it was!”
934. What do you get when you put a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
935. What sound does a piano make when you drop it on an army base?
A flat major.
936. Whats E.T. short for? Because he’s got wee legs.
937. When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face. Same thing happened with my next girlfriend except I guess I’m too into Linkin Park. But in the end it doesn’t even matter.
938. I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
939. Why could Beethoven never find his teacher? Because he was Haydn!
940. I was eating my coffee last night when I suddenly thought to myself, “This creamer must be seriously out of date.”
941. Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.
942. How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.
943. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
944. Wanna hear a joke about a cat? There’s no joke, I was just kitten.
945. I once had an out of body experience. I was beside myself!
946. What kind of flower grows on your face? Tulips.
947. What kind of floor do dinosaursâ€™ bathrooms have? Rep-tiles.
948. You don’t have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.
949. Where does an ape sleep? In an apricot.
950. Johnnyâ€™s wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on everyday. By Friday he couldnâ€™t get his boots on.
951. What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by itsdiameter? Cow pi.
952. The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
953. What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks? Milk and quackers.
954. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
955. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
956. Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough money you can buy them back.
957. What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it?
958. What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? Your ghostliness.
959. How do elephants smell? Really bad.
960. When do ghosts have to stop scaring people? When they lose their haunting licenses.
961. Whatâ€™s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
962. Why couldnt the teddy bear eat thanksgiving dinner? He was already stuffed!
963. How do librarians file melted marshmallows? According to the Gooey Decimal System.
964. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
965. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
966. “Do you know what really amazes me about you?” “No. What?” “Oops. Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!”
967. Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of its bark.
968. What did the bra say to the hat? Iâ€™ve got these two covered, you go on a head.
969. What happened when Abel died? He became unable.
970. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
971. Jane: John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think, Mitch? Mitch: I think you’re pretty ugly.
972. What did the lightbulb say to its mother? I wuv you watts and watts.
973. A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned becausehe couldnâ€™t concentrate.
974. God must seriously like stupid people; he makes so many of them.
975. Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score? … Never mind it’s pointless.
976. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
977. A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it’s not allowed. “Of course it’s allowed!”, says the man. “No it’s not”, says the zookeeper. “Sure it is, it says right here: ‘Don’t feed the monkeys. $20 fine.’
978. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can take you a long way from misery.
979. Math illiteracy affects eight out of every five people.
980. Just because a doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
981. Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
982. What did the snake give to his wife before bed? A goodnight hiss!
983. It’s better to be looked over than over looked.
984. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
985. Why do we drive on the parkways, and park on the driveways?
986. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
987. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
988. If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
989. What do you call a crate full of ducks? A box of quackers!
990. “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground like you asked for.”
991. Why canâ€™t you say a joke while standing on ice? Because it might crack up!
992. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
993. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
994. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
995. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
996. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
997. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
998. Whatâ€™s a tongue twister? When your tang gets all tongueled up.
999. Why do cows moo? Because their horns donâ€™t work.
1000. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
1001. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.