101 Funny Quotes

101 Funny, interesting and possibly inspiring quotes. Enjoy 🙂

1. Be so good they can’t ignore you. – Steve Martin

2. Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

3. Quit your job. Buy a ticket. Get a tan. Fall in love. Never return.

4. Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

5. Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.

6. I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. – Robert Downey, Jr.

7. It is not happy people who are thankful; It is thankful people who are happy.

8. If you fall, I’ll be there. – The floor

9. If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

10. I don’t know karate but, I do know crazy and, I’m not afraid to use it.

11. I hate people that say “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say “He’s a d*ckhead”, but you’ll get used to it.”

12. You know you’ve been in trouble a lot when both you, and the cop know each other by first names.

13. You know something bad is about to happen when someone says, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

14. You don’t really know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them.

15. When someone says “expect the unexpected” slap them in the face and say “you didn’t expect that did you?”

16. “You are what you eat…” That’s strange. I don’t think I’ve eat any sexy beasts today…

17. Yes, I plan to forgive and forget. Forgive how stupid I was and forget you.

18.  Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

19. When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.

20. When someone says to me “great minds think alike” I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard.”

21. When life knocks you down… calmly get back up, smile and very politely say, “you hit like a b*tch.”

22. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

23. When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

24. We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.

25. There’s plenty of fish in the sea… sadly, many of them look like this (pic)

26. I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.

27. “I didn’t do it!” … “then why are you laughing?” … “because whoever did it is a freaking genius”

28. The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

29. The only thing worse than “the one who got away” is the one who won’t go away.

30. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

31. Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

32. Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

33. Sharks aren’t so bad… If a stranger entered into my house wearing only a speedo, I would probably attack him too!

34. School is killing us. Textbooks are made from paper, paper is made from trees, we need trees for oxygen. Thus, school is killing us.

35. Save water! Shower with your girlfriend.

36. Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.

37. I am not single; I’m romantically challenged.

38.Problems are like washing machines, they twist us, spin us and knock us around, but in the end we come out cleaner, brighter and better than before.

39. Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

40. Nithing is really lost, until your Mom can’t find it 🙂

41. No matter how funny you are, if I don’t like you, I won’t laugh.

42. Never go to be angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.

43. Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.

44. Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

45. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.

46. My day starts backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

47. Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win”

48. Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

49. In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And god granted it.

50. Liking your own Facebook status is like giving your self a high five in public.

51. Go ahead. Judge me. Just remember to be perfect the rest of your life.

52. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching.

53. I’m not telling you it is going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.

54. I’m not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat.

55. If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.

56. If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

57. If someone calls you a crazy freak, just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite crazy freak!

58. If people winked in real life as much as they do in text messages, this world would be a pretty creepy place.

59. Be honest, if people could hear what you are thinking, you would be in a mental hospital.

60. If he can’t handle you in sweatpants he doesn’t deserve to see you in a wedding dress.

61. I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

62. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

63. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; Then I’ll move in with them.

64. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

65. People say you cannot live without love… I think oxygen is more important.

66. I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.

67. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

68. I hate it when I meow at cats and they don’t meow back. Unbelievably rude.

69. I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

70. Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

71. Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

72. I don’t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to “single.” I fight with my parents all the time but you don’t see me change my status to “orphan.”

73. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

74. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, expensive or impossible.

75. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

76. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening”, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

77. Dear millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.

78. Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

79. Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it’s closed.

80. Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

81. Breakups aren’t always meant for makeups, sometimes, they’re meant for wakeups.

82.Being vague is almost as fun as doing this other thing.

83. Beer is the answer… but I can’t remember the question.

84. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

85. Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.

86. An old Cherokee told his grandson, “my son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. Once is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth.” The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man replied, “the one you feed.”

87. If you’ve never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava you’ve never had a childhood.

88. Aren’t all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get married, essentially what you’re saying is, “I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let’s put jewelry on each other and dance.”

89. Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

90. Always borrow money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!

91. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

92. If somebody ever asks you to do something, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

93. If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.

94. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

95. A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself.

96. Liquid antiseptic for external wounds. Whiskey for internal wounds.

97. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

98. Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that’s how I’m going to quit drinking. One at a time. – Doug Stanhope

99. The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

100. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

101. Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking

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